My Favorite Accident
by My Happy Ending
Summary: What happens when you're sick of everything? What happens when you want a new start? You make one, with maybe the person that you least expected to.
1. Tomorrow

_Is it any wonder why I'm scared? If I was a little younger, would I care? Feeling like the walls around me are growing stronger, I don't know if this cage can hold me any longer._

I'm not sure when life started getting overly complicated.

I'm hearing the whispers around me. Everyone knows. Everyone knows what happened. They know about the ravine, they know about the van, they know about the bracelets.

They know about Jay. Maybe that's the part that scares me the most.

I look at him from across the hallway and it's the strangest thing. He fascinates me. I feel the deepest contempt and loating for him, and yet, I couldn't get enough. I still can't. I wouldn't let him know that though. Not that it would matter. Not now.

He became a different person the last few days we were together. Why am I calling it that? That's the farthest thing from what we were. I still don't know what it was. We were two lost people going in the same direction, drifting and drifting. I felt so utterly alone and just having the presence of someone who I felt remotely cared was enough for me.

I didn't even know he was capable of caring. But, when I looked at him from behind the curtain and he said those things to me, I knew that he did.

I walked away from him. I couldn't take what my life had become. If only these people who now talked about me knew, if only they knew. I want to share the outrage with them and tell them the real story. Not that there's that much to tell. He's Jay, he's what everyone thinks he is. He's more. He's got shades of kindness that trickle out like light rain and it always leaves you surprised as it hits your face and it leaves just as quickly as it came. His eyes tell a story. They're mad, sometimes. A lot of the time. That night backstage, they were grey. Grey with a lost light in them.

_You never dreamed you'd live your life so guarded, because they'll find a way to make you feel discarded. I'm not afraid of tomorrow, I'm only scared of myself. It feels like my insides are on fire, and I'm looking through the eyes of someone else._

I couldn't help but watch him. He was like a trainwreck or a car crash, I knew what I was getting myself into but I went along for the ride anyway because I had nothing left. It began to overtake me, though. He began to overtake me. I watched him all the time. When he walked into a room, I had to know exactly where he was or what he was doing. He had this power over me that was so real and overwhelming that what else could I do but walk away? Everything I had left had been torn to pieces and all I could think of was escaping.

He looks at me often now, waiting for a chance to say something, waiting for me to say something. I won't though. He won't either, he's too scared. He'd never admit that, but I know. I know him better than he thinks I do.

That's why when he walked up to me, I was surprised.

_Things have changed, you've become a complication. You can make it through another day's humiliation._

He shoved his hands in his pockets, hard and strongly, like his demeanor. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me with that same lost look like he missed me. That's not possible, though. There's nothing left to miss. I hate this silence. I've gotten a little more used to it, Jay and I never really talked that much. We would talk for little moments before retreating into what became the symbolism for my lost innocence and then, talking didn't even matter anymore. Talking messed things up, and that's why we are where we are. Nothing good ever comes from talking. But, silence is terrible as well. I wish I could find the perfect balance between talking too little and talking too much. I just want a little sound. Silence always makes me feel like I'm waiting for something.

I feel everyone's eyes on us. Somehow, Jay and I had become the talk of the school and I didn't like it. I was about to walk away from him again if he was just going to stand there and stare like I had just grown a third arm, but he grazed my shoulder lightly with his fingers and I couldn't move. 

This isn't healthy. It's all bits and pieces. I can't concentrate. I've thought of so many things and now I can't even think of one. It makes me feel calmer, though. The illusion of calmness, anyway. Suddenly, it doesn't feel like everyone's eyes are on us anymore. All I see is him and that's all that matters. But, that moment leaves as quick as it came and nothing is left. I pull my shoulder away from his grasp and back away slightly, I couldn't move anymore. I still can't tear my eyes away from his and it frustrates me that he still has this power over me. He knows that he does. But, sometimes, that isn't enough.

It's different now. He just stands there looking gawky and then at once, seeing him without that hat on, I knew who he was. That memory of him will be forever etched on my mind as what could have been. We could have been something, we really could have been. I suppose I just memorize things without thinking sometimes, but this had a purpose. Everything that ever had to do with him has a purpose. He looks at me for a moment and I swear that he can see right through me. I wish he could. I'm screaming out to him in my mind to just look at me and realize that this isn't what I want. Things weren't supposed to be this way. But, I can't expect the world from him. He brings his hands back down to his side like he always does, he has a habit of that. He puts his hands to his side or behind his back because he just doesn't know what to do with them. It's unbearable how much I want to reach out and grab his hand and keep him next to me forever. But for now, I just watch as he nods in a silent defeat and walks away, with his head hung low, his feet moving in quiet shuffles down the blistering hallway.

I didn't think it would hurt so much to see him be the one to walk away.

_Is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified? Is it any wonder why I'm scared?_


	2. Empty Spaces

_I'm not afraid to go backwards and fix what we broke_

_My gaze falls behind, you make desire seem so easy_

_I hold off sleep, it's so silent without you here_

_Don't give up now, it would all be for nothing_

I can't even begin to explain what a mess my life is right now.

I just got called out of class to go to the Principal's office. With my experience, that's never a good thing. I know what I'm there for. I don't even have to see Spinner's face glaring at me from over his shoulder to know. Great. As if my life wasn't screwed up enough. Spinner and I had gotten completely drunk the night before, I can't believe I even helped him out. He had told everyone what really happened, and then I went to go help him. And now, I'm here. That's what you get for trying to be a good friend, I guess.

Friend? Whatever. We were just two lost people going in the same direction. I saw myself in him, and after losing Alex, I needed that. After losing Emma, I really needed that.

Emma. I can't forget about my exchange with her this morning as well. If you can even call it that. She can't even talk to me anymore. I ruined everything. I just want so badly for her to see me for who I really am, then maybe things would be different. She's everything I never had. Seeing her always made me feel like I was catching a rarity, and I always felt like my heart was in my mouth. I began to get used to that feeling, and Emma just snatched it away as quick as it came. I hate her. I hate that she's done this to me. She's made herself completely elusive and I can't stand being away from her anymore.

I can't say what it was the very first time I saw her. I knew she was the only one. Times were different then. The thought of that scared me. So, I did what any confused and lost boy completely head over heels for Emma Nelson would do, I made fun of her. I made fun of her and I chastised her and I made her hate me. That worked for a while. It really did. I made her life miserable, and I, in turn, felt completely better about the whole situation. That only lasted for so long, though. I guess it's never too long before Emma Nelson puts her spell over you, and you're left with nothing but your heart in your hands. Helpless. Hopeless.

"Mr. Hogart, Ms. Hatzilakos will see you now," that stupid secretary who's name I couldn't remember for the life of me said. I shuffled around in my chair for a few seconds before getting up and walking into Mrs. H's office.

"Mr. Hogart, glad you could join us," she stated as I closed the door behind me, "Take a seat next to Mr. Mason." I obeyed, but I didn't look at Spinner. I couldn't look at him without wanting to punch him down to the ground.

I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn't look at her. I couldn't look at her. I can't stand people looking at me like I'm guilty, even though, in most cases, I usually am. I just hate that. "Now, Mr. Hogart, Mr. Mason has explained to me that you were a part of the paint and feathers attack on Rick Murray, which ultimately resulted in his death and paralyzing Jimmy. Is that true?"

I took a deep breath. There was no sense in lying now. I wondered if Spinner had told her that Alex was the one who actually did it. There was no sense in telling her. I had always learned that the less words you say, the better. "Yes," I whispered, still not looking at her.

"What, Mr. Hogart? I couldn't exactly hear you." Finally, I looked up at her and met her condesending eyes. "Yes. I helped." She nodded slowly, before grabbing the telephone. "I see. I'm going to notify your parents, and in the meantime, I've already informed Mr. Mason here, you all are going to pack your things and leave. You two are expelled from this school."

Expelled. Which means, not coming back. Ever. I had to get the hell out of there. I had nothing to pack, it's not like I would bring anything to this hellhole. I knew Spinner would want to talk to me, so I ran out of the room before he had the chance. I turned around for a minute, glancing at the office and saw Spinner with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. Crying. For a minute, I felt sorry for him. I guess we weren't as alike as I thought we were. Oh well. I just knew one thing, I couldn't stay here.

_I believe in second chances_

_I believe in the years forget_

When I got to my house, no one was home. Figures. No one is ever home. My mom was working, and who knows where the hell my Dad was. He's never here. I just knew one thing, I had to be out of there before anyone came home.

I went into my mom's room and pulled her luggage out of the closet. I didn't feel bad about taking it, because it's not like we ever go anywhere. I brought the suitcase into my room and starting throwing clothes in it, I didn't even look to see what I was taking. It didn't matter. I'd make do with what I had. My dad taught me how to survive without anyone. I wasn't afraid of being by myself, being on my own. It actually felt pretty liberating.

Then, the doorbell rang. I didn't know who it was, it couldn't be my parents, they both had doorkey's. Not that my Dad ever used his, but that's another story. I looked around my room for a moment and noticed all the clothes thrown everywhere, and I laughed. I really laughed for the first time all day. I couldn't believe I was actually going to do this. I brought the suitcase out to the living room walked to the door, still laughing. I opened it up, completely prepared to tell whoever was standing on the other side to go the hell home.

But, that was before I saw that it was Emma Nelson standing at my door.

_Let me fill these empty spaces_

_Better late than never, stay forever_

_Let me fill this empty space_

_There's always room for one more mistake_

"Hi," she said, looking up at me, "Um, I heard about what happened."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she was doing here. At my door. In front of me. I couldn't get over this overwhelming urge to kiss her. Instead of doing that, I stepped back so she could walk in and closed the door behind her. Emma Nelson was in my house.

She looked around for a moment, probably thinking to herself how messy the place was. "So, this is where you live," she said. Bingo.

I ran a hand through my hair, "What are you doing here?" I had to know. Girls like Emma Nelson just don't come to houses like mine for no reason. She tilted her head to look at me and whispered, "I told you I heard about what happened. I just wanted to see how you were."

I laughed, and not because anything was funny, just out of the sheer insanity that I was staring at Emma Nelson at a time like this. "You heard about what happened? I can guarentee you didn't hear all of what happened, or else you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be anywhere near me."

She nodded, walking a little closer to me, "I know what happened. Jay, it wasn't your fault..." she started, before trailing off and looking down at the ground. I looked at her like she had just grown three heads, "What are you talking about? What do you mean it wasn't my fault?" Even though the fact that she was saying that was crazy, it was nice to hear that someone thought that something wasn't my fault for once. Especially when it was coming out of Emma's mouth.

She shook her head wildly, "Nothing. Forget I said anything," she turned her back to me, "Maybe, maybe, this was a bad idea." Her eyes must have caught sight of the suitcase, because her next words were, "What's with the suitcase?"

_Can you feel that_

_I think we're moving in the right direction_

_I was someone else then_

_I'd take it back if you would let me_

I bit my lip and shook my head, walking around her and over to the suitcase, "I'm getting the hell out of here," I said, patting the luggage lightly. She looked at me like I was crazy. "What? You can't just leave! You're just leaving?"

I nodded, "Why not? I can't stay here. Why, do you want to come, or something?" I couldn't believe I had said that, but once the words were out of my mouth, I couldn't take them back. She looked at the suitcase and then back at me, her eyes widening, "You want me to come with you? Are you crazy?" I looked down at the ground and she must have felt bad, because she bit her lip and lowered her tone of voice, "Where are you going?"

I shrugged, "I don't even know. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but you can't be happy here. We could start over and be completely different people. No one would know us. Come on, Em... think about it," I pleaded with her. I couldn't believe I was trying to convince her to come with me. But, the more I said it, the more it didn't seem like such a bad idea.

"But, my family ..." she started, biting her lip and looking at the wall. She was seriously considering it. "Your family who can't even look at you right now because of what happened. Emma, I know it'll be tough, I'm not saying it'll be easy. But, we can get through it together. I won't let anything happen to you. I know I've let you down before, but please, let me make it better." I looked at her for a moment before whispering, "Let me make it better."

She looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly with a worn expression on her face, she was tired of fighting. She was tired of the stares and the looks. She didn't want to be known as the Emma Nelson she is now. I could see it in her eyes. "Tonight," she started slowly, "If you can come and tap on my window tonight, when you're ready to leave.. I'll have everything packed. And we'll go. Together." I smiled and nodded, "I can do that."

She looked at me for a minute and smiled slightly before turning away and walking out of the door as quickly as she had walked into my life.

And for some reason, with all the mess that was my life, I still couldn't stop smiling.

_We were never this close when we were young_

_Every night, I whisper your name at the top of my lungs_


	3. Echo

_close my eyes_

_let the whole thing pass me by_

_there is no time to waste asking why_

I sat, silent, in my room for hours after I got home that afternoon. I looked around at my bags on the floor and wanted to take back everything that had happened that day. I wished that Jay wouldn't have tried to talk to me this morning, I wished that he hadn't of gotten expelled and that I wouldn't have went to his house and that I wouldn't have told him that I would go with him. I couldn't believe I had said that I would go with him.

I couldn't look at my parents at dinner. I couldn't say anything to them, either. What was I supposed to say? "Well, um, thanks for dinner, I hope you have a nice life!" Sometimes, no words are better than any words at all. I love my parents, I really love them. But, this is something that I just had to do. For some reason, I knew that there was no turning back. This was it. This was my chance at a new beginning, a new life. Hell, I needed this and I didn't want anyone trying to take it away from me.

But, when Jay knocked on my window just like he said he would, it didn't make it any less hard to leave. I looked up at him through the window and bit my lip as he waved at me. We were really doing this. I walked over to the window and opened it up, before walking back to the bed and sitting on it, not looking at him as he climbed into my room.

_i think about your face_

_and how i fall into your eyes_

_the outline that i trace_

_around the one that i call mine_

_time that called for space_

_unclear where you drew the line_

_i don't need to solve this case_

_and i don't need to look behind_

He said my name as he closed the window behind him, "Emma.." he started, and it was rushed and quiet, like we had no time for anything. I had no time to sit and think about what I was about to do. Even though that's all I had been doing for the past four hours. He kept talking and after the window was closed, he turned around to face me and he must have noticed that I was about to cry because he stopped talking and walked

over to me and shoved his hands in his pockets, staring at me expectantly.

It became obvious to me that he's never known what to do with girls. With girls like me, anyway. He's six feet, and if I stood on my tip-toes, I could look him straight in the eye. He's got one of those in-between voices that lets him down sometimes, he never sounds completely sincere or completely intimidating so you never know what to expect from him. He didn't know what to expect from me, either and when the tears started falling down my cheeks, I didn't know what to expect from myself.

"I'll be fine, I just need a minute," I said reassuringly, wiping my cheeks hastily. He bit his lip as he watched me and he eyed the space next to me as if he wanted to sit down, and I nodded. He sat down next to me without a word and took his hands out of his pockets and placed them in his lap. Suddenly, he seemed all too innocent and shy to be Jay Hogart and it scared me. He was supposed to be the strong one. He's supposed to be the one yelling at me to suck it up and get a move on, he was supposed to be the one carrying me through this. Why wasn't he carrying me through this?

_do i expect to change the past i hold inside?_

_with all the words i say _

_repeating over in my mind_

_some things you can't erase_

_no matter how hard you try_

_an exit to escape_

_is all there is left to find_

"You don't have to do this, you know," he began, and I knew he was choosing his words carefully. "I just thought that you might want to get away..like me," he finally looked at me, "with me." I looked down at my hands and breathed in deeply, trying not to start crying again, "I do. It's just, it's just hard, you know? Leaving my family, starting over. I don't think it's as easy as you want it to be." I finally looked over at him and he looked hurt. Almost ashamed. And I felt guilty. "Jay..." I started.

"Maybe..maybe you're right. This is a bad idea. I should have never asked you," he stood up quickly and I grabbed his hand. I was already in too deep for this to stop now. He gasped when I took his hand and I dropped it, before biting my lip and standing up to face him. "Jay, I want to do this. I need to do this. But, you have to help me. You have to make me leave. But first, you have to give me a minute." He nodded quickly, as if he didn't know what else to say or was still catching his breath at the feeling of my hand in his, but that was the last thing on my mind. I took a minute to collect myself before walking to my nightstand and picking up a folded piece of paper, "I wrote them a note, you know. I didn't want them to think something horrible happened," I explained, as I placed the note on my pillow.

"What did you say in it?" he asked as he watched me. I shrugged, "To tell you the truth, I don't even remember. I was so rushed and I couldn't stop crying when I wrote it. I'm afraid to open it up and read it because it's going to remind me of what I'm leaving behind." He nodded slowly and looked down at the ground, not knowing what to say. I didn't blame him, what were we supposed to say? Here I was, trying to make light conversation when we have the rest of our lives ahead of us and not a clue what's going to happen. It was scary, but I knew what I had to do. I looked around at my bags on the floor and nodded to myself, I was ready to do this.

I walked over and grabbed my one bag and pointed to the other one, "Can you get that for me, Jay? I think I'm ready." He nodded, still seemingly distracted by something and I wasn't sure what. I still didn't know why he wasn't more sure about this. Wasn't this his idea in the first place? His demeanor scared me and when we walked over to the window, I grabbed his arm. "Are you sure about this?" I asked him, "No turning back?"

He looked into my eyes for a minute, as if he was searching for something that I didn't know about, and he must have found what he was looking for because he nodded, "Yes. No turning back."

And when we both climbed out the window that night, I didn't.

_i'll run away with you by my side_

_there is no time_

_let this whole thing pass me by_

_i need to let go of this pride_

_until this echo in my mind_

_until this echo can subside_


	4. Brand New Colony

_i'll be the grapes fermented_

_bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit_

_like a gentleman_

_i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick_

_where you will sit and contemplate your day_

I couldn't believe it. We were actually doing this. We were actually leaving, Emma Nelson and I. We were getting the hell out of this place and starting over, for real. It wasn't just talk anymore. With my hands gripping onto the steering wheel, everything seemed to make sense.

I'm not sure what got into me when I went to go get her. I couldn't speak when I saw how upset she was and I know she just wanted me to help her suck it up so we could leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. And then, she touched my hand .. but, no. That's not what this is about. I didn't want her to make a mistake and then have something else to blame me for. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for everything. People need to start being responsible enough to make their own decisions and to face the consequences for them.

Ha, consequences. Sure, they need to face the consequences. Just like I'm facing the consequences. By running away. Smart one, Jay. Real smart.

But, all I had to do was look over at Emma and I didn't feel so bad about the way things seemed to be going. She had this weird look on her face, half-excited, half-miserable. I didn't know what to make of it. But, I figured it was normal. I mean, we had just left home. She kept on talking and I wasn't sure what she was talking about.

"..We'll figure out something." That's all I heard. What were we figuring out? I don't know about her, but I didn't have a damn thing figured out and at that moment, I didn't even care. It didn't matter. I've never been one for planning things.

Emma was though. Her voice sounded tired. She was tired. But, she still had this sing-song way of speaking that made you feel like you were floating. She always sounded like she could tell you anything you wanted to know. Emma Nelson always had an answer for everything. Maybe that was part of the reason I asked her to come along. There's no way I'd be able to do this by myself.

"Jay, what are we going to do?" she asked, quietly. She must have known that I hadn't been listening to a word she had said in the past few minutes. I shrugged, taking my eyes off the road for a moment to gaze at her, "I don't know." With this new start, came a new me. I was going to start being honest. "Honestly, Emma, I don't know, but, does it matter?"

Emma sighed softly and looked out the window, like she was unable to fix her eyes on me. "Jay, I'm scared," she said, louder than the first time she spoke, in a throaty tone, like she could barely get the words out.

I didn't know what to say. I was scared, too. She knew that I was. If there was one thing that Emma Nelson could always do, it was being able to see right through me. She always knew things, even before I did. I was resentful of that for a long time, but I learned to get used to it. I even learned to use it to my advantage. Yes, I was getting quite used to having Emma Nelson around.

I bit my lip for a moment, taking note that we weren't yet outside of the city, "Do you mind if I show you something?" It wasn't much, but it was all I had to offer. She lifted her head up slowly and looked at me curiously, saying, "You're the one driving. Sure." I nodded slowly and turned the car around, and we drove in sweet silence to my favorite place.

There's this place at the top of a hill that my Dad used to take me to when I was younger and before he cared about alcohol more than he cared about me. We'd sit up there for hours and just look up at the sky and look out at the city and just be together and it's those days that I miss the most. If not for Emma, I needed to go there one more time. It was my way of saying goodbye to him. Or the image I had of him. Or of myself.

_i'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning_

_in an open tab when your judgement is on the brink_

_i'll be the the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back _

_as you're lying there drifting off to sleep_

_i'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity has done to you_

_you won't have to strain to look into my eyes_

_i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat_

_with the collar up, so you won't catch cold_

When we got to the top of the hill, I noticed Emma starting to become more alert, like she was afraid. I turned the car off and turned to look at her, "You don't have to be afraid. Just because it's dark doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen. Just, get out of the car, I want to show you something." She looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly and opening the car door and stepping out. I got out after her and closed my car door, before taking a moment to look around at a place that I hadn't been to in years, but had become so etched in my memory and mind.

I looked over at Emma and I could see her doing the same thing. The lights from the city illuminated off of her face and I knew that I had never seen anyone as beautiful as she was. She must have caught me staring because she looked over at me and blushed before shaking her head quickly, "What is this place?"

I smiled slightly and walked over to her, taking her arm and leading her up to the edge of the hill. "My dad used to take me here when I was younger. I haven't been up here in years, but I always have had good memories and experiences up here. I thought you might want to remember this place the best way possible. I know it's not much, but it's really all I had growing up." She looked up at me for a moment before smiling and looking out at the city, "It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me."

I nodded slowly, "I kind of wanted to say goodbye to it, it's the only good thing left here. It's been so long since I've been here, though." Emma looked at me and tilted her head, "Why haven't you come back in so long?"

"It reminds me of my Dad," I said, simply. "Isn't that good though? Don't you want to remember this? The good times you had with your Dad?" she challenged. I shook my head, I wasn't about to get into an argument with her, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't uncomfortable talking about this with her. There was some things that I just didn't want her to know about me. She already thought I was messed up enough, I'm sure.

"No, because it just reminds me of how fucked up he's become and how he's messed up everything," I saw her wince when my voice got louder, and I bit my lip, instantly regretting it, "Look, let's not talk about that anymore. Let's just take a minute up here, and then we can go. I just need a minute."

She nodded slowly and looked out at the city again. She smiled. And it was a genuine smile. It was a smile that I used to see before everything got messed up. And then I knew. I knew things were going to be okay. No one could touch us now.

I watched as she twirled around on the edge of uncertainty and new beginnings. She spun around with her hands up in the air and the sound of her glorious laughter filled me until I felt like I was about to burst. The only thing I could think of is that this is what happiness must really feel like. Once Emma stopped spinning, she took a deep breath and stared out at the city that we'd soon be leaving forever one more time. She nodded slowly before turning around to face me. She turned around and she was a new person. She was glowing.

"You look invincible," I noted, grinning at her.

She smiled back, laughing, "I am."

And it was then I knew. I was falling in love with Emma Nelson.

_i want to take you far from the cynics in this town_

_and kiss you on the mouth_

_we'll cut our bodies free from the tether's of this scene_

_start a brand new colony_

_we'll give ourselves new names_

_the sun will heat the grounds_

_under our bare feet in this brand new colony_

_everything will change_


	5. Promise

_sleeping through the evening and singing dreams inside my head_

_i'm heading out, i've got some ins who say they care and they just might_

_i run away with you if things don't go as planned_

_planning big could be a gamble, i've already rolled the dice_

After Jay's trip down memory lane, I wasn't sure what to think.

After that whole day, I wasn't sure what to think. Ever since I had known him, I had seen Jay as someone strong, sturdy, sure - not at all like myself the past couple of months. I looked up to him in a way, he had no regrets and always made no apologies, he was who he was and that was it.

Now, it seems like everything has changed. He's not that boy anymore. He's shattered, broken, different. I don't know how to help him and I don't even think I could if I tried because how can you help someone if you don't know how to help yourself. I think about that comment he made to me. "You look invincible." I felt that way, if only for just a moment. I guess we've all done a little changing. Before all of this happened, I would have taken no time in taking Jay under my wing and nursing him back to his previous self, even if I pretended to hate him for it. I did hate him. I hated him and everything he standed for but at the same time I couldn't help wanting to be more like him and then, I didn't understand it but looking back, it makes sense.

I had so many things wrong with me, that looking at other people and criticizing or hating someone for things that I didn't agree with took the light away from me and shone it on someone else. I hated people looking at me and I still do. That's why Jay's eye on me from his place in the driver's seat was making me extremely uncomfortable.

_i spit and stutter, stuff and clutter, worries in my worried corner_

_maladjusted just untrusted, rusted, sometimes brilliant, busted thoughts_

_i think i'll stay for a while, i'm intriduged and i'm read as a new born white as a corpse_

This is a ridiculous form of irony. Whoever thought I'd be here? Now? I think about it and I wonder if this is really what's going to make me happy. There's no turning back though, this is the path I chose and it would be anything less than cowardly to back away from it now. I'm weak, but I refuse to be scared. I refuse to let the unknown bother me, get to me. I just want to start over.

I looked over at the lonesome boy next to me as he kept his eyes ram-rod straight at the road, sneaking a few glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I was always looking. "Jay?" I asked, in a quiet voice, not wanting to shatter the soft silence that we had created. "Hmm?" he responded, a bit inaudiable as if there was this hidden wall between us and in that moment, I felt so close and yet so far away at the same time.

_i promise not to lie, not to fuck with your mind_

_i promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine_

_i promise not to lie if i'm looking you straight in the eye_

_i promise not to try, not to let you down_

"What are we going to do when we get there? Wherever there is, I mean," I asked a question that I had asked eighty-five times, I am sure. I just wanted to get an answer. I hated living life without answers, it was never something I was good at. Spontaneity. He sighed, knowing that he'd have to answer the question eventually. "Well, I got us a room at this hotel about another twenty miles up the road. I'm not sure what's there, so we're just going to have to look around to see what's there. After that .. I really have no idea. Emma, just ... you know, you don't have to ask so many questions."

I looked at him for a moment, biting my lip. "Is it really such a crime to know what's going to happen in my life?" I asked, my voice getting louder by the second. He shook his head and pushed his free hand to temple, rubbing two of his fingers in small circles over and over again, as if trying to push some mystery thought in and around his head. "No, Emma, it's just... Look, I don't know what's going to happen either. You're just going to have to trust me."

_why do you gotta keep the fan on high when it's cold outside?_

_just want to let you know that i'm still a fan, get it?_

_everybody wants charm and a smile and a promise_

_but i promise not to try_

I turned my head towards the window and watched the unknown world go by. I didn't answer him, and he didn't say anything more. His words rang through my head in mixed order, like my brain was trying to wrap itself around the meaning. "Trust. You're just going to have to. ME."

Trusting Jay Hogart was just something that you didn't do. He was a boy out for his own self and that was it. But, in a situation like this, all bets were off. We were in this together, I had no choice but to trust him - even if that meant putting myself out there, perhaps for the worst. What are you suppoesd to do when you have nothing left? Life really did suck sometimes.

"Jay?" I said softly, breaking the silence and turning to look towards him, "I trust you, you know? But, you have to promise me something." He looked at the road in front of him for a moment before looking at me for a split-second, "Anything."

That moment came as quickly as it left. He turned his eyes back to the road and that look in his eyes was lost. It caught me off-guard when he said that. ANYTHING. It was so unlike him. As long as I live, Jay Hogart will always be a mystery to me.

I put myself together and took a deep breath, "Just, please..don't disappoint me. I'm giving up a lot for this. I just don't want this to turn out like everything else in my life has." He bit his lip, still not looking at me, "And how has everything in your life turned out?"

I slumped back in my seat, staring at the road. "A disaster." He sighed softly and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his free hand reaching over to grab mine. When he reached me, he took my hand slowly in his and entertwined his fingers with mine; softly and innocently. Not at all like a boy with bad intentions. And to my surprise, I didn't even flinch.

"I promise."

And with all the hope in me, I believed him. And with all the hope in me, as we drove straight into our destination, I squeezed his hand. Ready for anything. Ready for it all.

_i promise not to try, not to fuck with your mind_

_i promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine_

_i promise not to lie if i'm looking you straight in the eye_

_i promise not to try, not to, not to, not to leave_


	6. Turpentine Chaser

This paint has been tasting of lead 

_And their chips will fall as they may_

_But it's not just my finish that is peeling_

_It is not alone fleeing these walls_

When we pulled up to the humble abode we would be staying at, I was afraid to look at her face. There's some things that you never want to do and to prove Emma Nelson right is one of them.

Her demeanor in the car had thrown me off, the sound of her voice made me want to turn the car around right there and take her home and leave her there and make her forget that any of this ever happened, make her forget that she ever knew me. Life doesn't work like that, though. She was here and what else could I do but try to make things better for her? I might have been lying when I said I wasn't going to disappoint her, because that's what I'm good at.

I think I'll always pinpoint the time when I was seven that proved to me that I was a failure. I was on the verge of failing the second grade for some reason I can't even remember anymore and I just remember coming home when my father had gotten the news and the smell of alcohol on his breath will never, ever leave my mind. He was rough, on the edge of abusive, but he never touched me. He screamed in my face until he couldn't see straight and then he left and I didn't see him for a week. My mom just took me into her bedroom and let me sleep and I vowed from then on that whatever happened, I would always love her. I couldn't save her, but I would always love her.

Looking over at Emma, I saw that same face that I saw on my mother that day. A lost feeling, helplessness and longing. I knew that this wouldn't save Emma, but I knew at that moment, I would always have a special place for her. I would always love her. "So, this is it," she said, unenthusiastic and quiet.

Okay, I'll admit, it wasn't much. One of those little rancher motels you would see at the side of the road with the doors about a foot apart from each other. I wanted to do better for her, I really wanted to.

"I know it's not much, Emma, but it'll get better. I'm going to work to get us somewhere nicer to stay," I said, offering up the only explanation I had. She nodded slowly, laying her head against the seat of the car, closing her eyes and probably wondering how the hell she had gotten herself into this mess. I watched her for a moment before getting out of the car. "Do you want to see home sweet home?" I asked her, poking my head through the window I had left open. She bit her lip for a moment before nodding and stepping out of the car, grabbing her bag from the back seat and shutting the car door with such force that I didn't know that she had anymore.

"Let's go," she said firmly, walking in front of me. I nodded, not answering, but following her lead as we made our way into the lobby.

The lobby looked a lot like the way I felt. The paint was chipping off the walls and the seat cushions had holes in them where the inside was poking out and there was this ghastly music playing that made you feel like you were on the edge of something miserable. The guy at the front desk seemed miserable too, lost in a sea of papers, he looked like he'd rather be anywhere but there.

I walked up to him and cleared my throat, while Emma stood idly behind me. He looked up from his mounds of paperwork and rolled his eyes, probably at the fact of how old we were. How young we were.

"You checking in?" he asked, bringing his eyes back down to his paper. I nodded, "Yes, I called a couple of days ago to reserve a room?"

He sighed out of boredom, "Name?" I turned around to look at Emma for a moment, who shrugged her shoulders and made a gesture to indicate that he was a little bit crazy. I laughed to myself and turned around to see him looking at me expectantly and shooting a death glare at Emma. I just shook my head, wanting to get out of there as quick as possible.

"Jay Hogart." He scanned down the list of occupants and found my name, grabbing a key on the wall. "Room 155, it's halfway down the hall. I hope you enjoy your stay," he said dryly, handing me the key and turning his attention back to his paperwork. "Thanks," I replied, just as dryly and turned back to Emma, "Come on."

She nodded and followed me down the hallway. "What was up with that guy?" she asked, laughing out loud. I shook my head as we reached our room, "Imagine working here everyday, I guess that will have an affect on your mental stability. I mean, really. Or he was dropped on his head as a kid." Emma laughed again, and I couldn't help but think what a beautiful sound it was and if that was the only thing I had to hear for the rest of my life, I'd be satisfied.

As I looked at the door to our room, I turned my head to look at her. "Are you ready?" I asked. She nodded, "Ready as I'll ever be." I nodded back and turned the key in the door.

Well sooner or later this cold is gonna break 

_So our hands will be warm again_

_But all I want is to not need you now_

_And sooner or later this code is gonna break_

_Our words will be heard again_

_But all I want are vows of silence now_

Walking inside the room, it wasn't anything and it wasn't something. It was just there. There were two beds, the sheets faded, but clean. There were dreary pictures of flowers and rainstorms on the wall and an old television that you probably had to dance around with the antennae on your head for it to work. There was a small round table and two chairs in the corner with a dangling lamp above it. There was a tiny bathroom and a small closet across from it. I could see now that Emma would be getting that, and probably most of the dressers considering she had only brought most of her wardrobe with her.

I walked further into the room to allow Emma to look around, but I was afraid to face her because I didn't want to know what her reaction would be. It was okay for my standards, but most likely horrible for hers. You can only imagine my relief when she said, "It's not bad," in an assuring tone. I turned around to see her smiling at me, "We'll make it work." I nodded and put my bags down, "We will."

We had spent most of the rest of the day unpacking, not saying much to each other. I'm not sure if it was the awkwardness of the finality of the situation that laid before us or that we weren't sure what the right things to say were. This was our new reality, this was our new life. The formality and the seriousness of it was enough to make anyone speechless.

Night was fast approaching and I had just taken a shower. I was wearing an old pair of sweatpants and a baggy shirt that my mother had given to me years ago that never saw the light of day. A week ago, I would have killed anyone that saw me like this, but Emma was all I had left. I was beginning to realize that things like that just didn't matter anymore.

The frightening facts 

_We've been facing our backs for so long now_

_They're begging for eyes to bear witness to lies_

_And indifference_

I walked out of the bathroom and my eyes fell on the most perfect vision I think I'll ever see. There was Emma sitting at the round table, her hair falling loosely on the shoulders and in her face, she wore sweatpants and a white tanktop and I swear that I've never seen anyone more beautiful. She had her face hidden inside a book that she had brought with her, so caught up that she didn't even notice me staring. I started to walk towards her when the floor creaked and she looked up, smiling a bit at me.

"Nice outfit," she commented, raising her eyebrows. I pointed my index finger at her as I sat down next to her, "Hey, watch it. This is what you call style." She laughed slowly, bringing her eyes back down to her book, "Yeah, where would they call it that?"

I laughed, not being able to take my eyes off of her, "They call it that somewhere, I swear." She just shook her head and kept her eyes on her book, but the same smile that made me fall in love with her all over again still played on her lips.

As I watched her, I thought of our time together. The fights that we had a year ago, Wasaga Beach, the ravine, our trip here .. everything just pointed to the fact that I had always loved her. Even when I said I hated her, I had always loved her. She was always something that I never thought I'd be able to have. Maybe it was the fact that everything else seemed lost, but I knew I had to say something. My mind was telling me otherwise, it must have tried to talk me out of it a hundred times. But, I had to do this.

"Emma?" I said her name quietly, almost in hopes that she wouldn't hear me and I could take back this crazy idea. She looked up from her book at me as she swept her hair from her face. Her lovely face. She looked brave. I don't know why, but I had a vision of her sitting on her knees while I stroked her long, blonde hair and that, to me, was heaven.

Suddenly, I said it. "I love you. It's driven me crazy." She looked at me for a moment, stunned. "I see," she said quietly, her voice wavering. She didn't look at me anymore.

I never expected to do it that way. I never expected to do it then. In my dreams, it was always that we'd look into each other's eyes one day and then, we kissed and nothing was said until after. My father once told me that you should never tell a woman that you love her. If you have to say it, say it jokingly, because he said that it kept the women after you. You had to play hard to get. The silly thing was, I told myself that I shouldn't tell her. But, I did anyway. I should have let it come naturally from both sides. But, when she was around me, my head went around and around and I often said things that I didn't mean to.

I kept talking, but I didn't tell her everything. I told her about the first time I saw her and thinking about her and the way she behaved and the way she walked and all she'd meant to me and then when we fought and knowing that she'd never be able to look at me the same way and being lonely. When I stopped, she was looking at the floor. We didn't speak for what seemed like a long time, the only sound was the beating of the trees against the hotel roof.

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked when she finally looked at me. I felt ashamed and I just stared at her, dumbfounded. "Are you trying to make me feel better about coming with you? If you are, it's not funny." I looked at her for a moment and shook my head, getting up from my chair. I didn't want to be around her anymore.

"Wait," she said, and I stopped in my tracks. "Look, let's just pretend this never happened. I won't mention it if things will go back to normal." I turned around and she was smiling. It was a genuine kind look. I just stared at her. Sometimes, I really couldn't stand her. There was something so nice about her that you felt like you had to be nice too. You could see that she expected it. I couldn't say what I felt. I just had to stop talking to her, she was really hurting me. So, I walked over to my bed and pulled the blankets down. I laid down and turned the lamp next to my bed off. I closed my mind and tried to erase all thoughts of Emma Nelson off of my mind.

I didn't sleep much that night, because I was shocked at the way things had gone, my telling her so much and how she had made me feel. There were moments where I just wanted to walk out of that hotel room and never look back and leave her there stranded so I didn't have to be reminded anymore. But then I thought of her face and her hair and how it hung low in her eyes when she was tired or frustrated and how she stood and walked and her lovely clear eyes. And I just knew I couldn't do it. I was stuck with Emma Nelson, whether I liked it or not.

Now we're saying aloud 

_The things we've declared in our silence_

_The new coats of paint will not reacquaint_

_Broken hearts to broken homes_


End file.
